Denette's Desk

t h e c r e a t i v e s c h o o l

Over 50 years of educating young children in North Dallas
Founded 1956

“Self-esteem comes from having a sense of belonging, believing that we are capable, and knowing our contributions are valued and worthwhile.”
- Jane Nelson, co-author of Positive Discipline.

Denette Mann, LPC, RPT, NCC

Give unconditional love. A child’s self-esteem flourishes with the kind of no-strings-attached devotion that says “I love you, no matter who you are or what you do.” Your child benefits the most when you accept him for who he is regardless of his strengths, difficulties, temperament, or abilities. So, lavish him with love. Give plenty of cuddles, kisses, and pats on the shoulder. And don’t forget to tell him how much you love him. When you do have to correct your child, make it clear that it is his behavior - not him - that is unacceptable. For instance, instead of saying “You’re a naughty boy! Why can’t you be good?” say “Please don’t throw the football in the house, Footballs are for outside.”
Pay Attention. Carve out time to give your child your undivided attention. That does wonders for your child’s feelings of self-worth because it send the message that you think she’s important and valuable. It doesn’t have to take a lot of time; it just means taking a moment to stop flicking through the mail if she’s trying to talk with you or turning off the TV long enough to answer a question. make eye contact so it’s clear that you’re really listening to what she’s saying. When you’re strapped for time, let your child know it without ignoring her needs. Say “Tell me all about what happened at soccer practice, and then when you’re finished, I’ll need to make our dinner.”
Teach Limits. Establish a few reasonable rules for your child. For instance, if you tell him to wear his helmet when he rides his bike in the driveway, don’t let him go without it at his friend’s house. Knowing that certain family rules are set in stone will help him feel more secure. He’ll start to live by your expectations soon enough. Just be clear and consistent and show him that you trust him and expect him to do the right thing.
Support healthy risks. Encourage your child to explore something new, such as trying a different food, making a new friend, or a new sport. Though there’s always the possibility of failure, without risk there’s little opportunity for success. So let your child safely experiment, and resist the urge to intervene. For instance, try not to “rescue” her the minute she’s showing mild frustration at figuring out how to read a tricky word. Jumping in to say “I’ll do it” can foster dependence and diminish your child’s confidence. You’ll build her self-esteem by balancing your need to protect her with her need to tackle new tasks.
Let mistakes happen. The flip side, of course, of having choices and taking risks is that sometimes your child is bound to make mistakes. These are valuable lessons for your child’s confidence. So if your child misses the school bus because he was dawdling in his bedroom, encourage him to think about what he might do differently next time. That way his self-esteem won’t sag and he’ll understand that it’s okay to make mistakes sometimes. When you goof up yourself, admit it. Acknowledging and recovering from your mistakes sends a powerful message to your child - it makes it easier for your child to accept his own difficulties.
Celebrate the positive. Everyone responds well to encouragement, so make an effort to acknowledge the good things your child does every day within her earshot. For instance, tell his dad “Penelope did all her chores today without prompting”. She’ll get to bask in the glow of your praise and her dad’s response. And be specific. Instead of saying “good job”, say “thank you for setting the table for dinner”. This will enhance her sense of accomplishment and self-worth and let her know exactly what she did right.
Listen Well. If your child needs to talk, stop and listen to what he has to say. He needs to know that his thoughts, feelings, desires, and opinions matter. Help him get comfortable with his emotions by labeling them. Say “I understand you’re sad because you can’t go to the sleep over”. By accepting his emotions without judgment, you validate his feelings and show that you value what he has to say. If you share your own feelings (I’m worried about Grandma, she is very sick” he’ll gain confidence in expressing his own.
Resist Comparisons. Comments such as “Why can’t you be more like your brother?” or “Why can’t you be nice like Evan?” will just remind your child of where she struggles in a way that fosters shame, envy, and competition. Even positive comparisons, such as “you’re the best player” are potentially damaging because a child can find it hard to live up to this image. If you let your child know that you appreciate her for the unique individual that she is, she’ll be more likely to value herself too.
Offer empathy. If your child compares himself unfavorably to his siblings or peers (“why can’t I throw a football like Nick?”) show him empathy and then emphasize one of his strengths. For instance, say “You’re right, Nick is good at throwing a football. And you are a fast runner.” This can help your child learn that we all have strengths and weaknesses, and that he doesn’t have to be perfect to feel good about himself.
Provide encouragement. Every child needs the kind of support from loved ones that signals “I believe in you. I see your effort. Keep going!” Encouragement means acknowledging progress - not just rewarding achievement. So if your child is struggling with a math problem, say “You’re trying very hard and you almost have it!” instead of “not like that. Let me do it”.

There is a difference between praise and encouragement. One rewards the task while the other rewards the person. (“You did it! rather than “I’m proud of you!”)Praise can make a child feel that he’s only “good” if he does something perfectly. Encouragement, on the other hand, acknowledges the effort. “Tell me about the game. I saw you really hustling out there” is more helpful than saying “You’re the best player on the team”. Too much praise can sap self-esteem because it can create pressure to perform and set up a continual need for approval from others. So dole out the praise judiciously and offer encouragement liberally; it will help your child grow up to feel good about himself.

Taken from parentcenter.com

The Creative School
10066 Marsh Lane
Dallas, Texas 75229
214.352.0732 | e-mail pam@whumc.com

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